Attachment wounds are created through relationships, and can only be healed through relationships. This, however does not necessarily mean that a secure, romantic relationship is the only way to healing.
A secure relationship can take the form of a client-therapist relationship, a close friendship, or some say, even a secure relationship with oneself.
Others, like Dr. Daniel Brown & Dr. David Elliott, or Dr. Lauren Parnell, believe that effective healing can be achieved by creating fresh experiences with new, imagined parents. This is based on the idea that the subconscious mind makes no distinction between the real and the imagined. What else can be as efficient as the perfect parents – who are available whenever needed?
The first step is to look back at your childhood and find what was missing. Despite our insecure attachment, we often have a deep sense of what these things are.
- General Factors: Parents who provide reliability, consistency, presence, interest
- Conditions:
- Protection (provide emotional safety, guidance and come to your defense)
- Attunement (to help you feel seen, heard & felt)
- Soothing & reassurance (to help you feel comforted)
- Delight (to help you feel worthwhile and special)
- Support for being your unique self (to build confidence and self-acceptance)
Building Your New Parents
Some things to keep in mind when creating your new parents:
- Do not use your existing parents. These should be new experiences, not memories.
- This is your opportunity to create the best, most ideal parent(s) for who you are as a unique individual. (Have you ever felt like you were an alien, born to the wrong parents?)
- You should imagine what your new parents look like. Visualization is key. You can use your imagination, use a random face generator, or choose a celebrity who you perceive can be an ideal parent. Your new parents do not even need to be human. Some like to imagine a big, cuddly bear.
- You are not limited to how many parents you can create! If you feel the need to have 3 or 4 parents to meet all of your needs, this is a possibility.
The ideal parent figure method is best done with a therapist or trained guide. It’s best to use it when you are in a relaxed state, and can tap into your inner child state. When you imagine your parent(s) being there for you in just the right ways, you want to savor each moment and really feel it in your body.
This method is designed to be used repeatedly and regularly, over years. While you can feel significant progress quickly, please remember that your attachment did not develop overnight, and will likely not heal overnight. If done weekly, you may achieve secure attachment within 2 or 3 years.
Resources
You can find examples of the ideal parent figure “meditation” in a number of videos and audio files:
AttachmentRepair meditations (archived)