Self-regulation is anything we do to help us calm our emotions, and to feel more safe and comforted.
We often unconsciously engage in self-soothing when we put our hands into our pockets, hold a pillow, bite our fingernails, or when we rub our hands, thighs or neck.
Your ability to heal has a lot to do with your ability to stay within the “window of tolerance,” where you can both feel your emotions, but not be overwhelmed by them.
Self-regulation can be accomplished within our minds, through things in our environment, and also through the support of other people. It is said that much of our ability to self-regulate is developed through the co-regulation we experienced with our caregivers. If our caregiver soothed and comforted us in our times of need, they remain within us as an “internalized object,” and continue to soothe and comfort us when they are no longer around. This is one reason why secure attachment is so important.
There are many unhealthy ways to regulate our emotions. These can include:
- Defense mechanisms that keep us detached from our emotions, help deny or suppress them, or redirect emotions at others in hostile ways.
- Addictions like smoking, drinking, drugs, over-eating, shopping, or workaholism help us avoid or cope with the emotions without actually dealing with them, and often lead to adverse outcomes in the long term.
- In relationships, we may avoid emotion, or assert dominance to feel more control (safety). Blaming & judging others can be a strategy to avoid feeling the shame of taking responsibility for our actions, while helping us feel energized and strong.
Healthy Ways to Self-Regulate
Self-care: help your brain and body maintain the resources for self-regulation by getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy (especially limiting sugar & caffeine intake), getting regular exercise, and avoiding adding unnecessary stress into your life.
- Breathing exercises: exhale slower than you inhale.
- Spend a few minutes alone if you need to focus and ground yourself in a peaceful environment.
- Identify your emotions: naming them can help take away the emotional charge and help distance yourself from your embeddedness in them.
- Mindfulness: be aware of, yet remain non-judgmental, about your emotions. Feeling the need to protect yourself from, or to feel guilty about, your emotional experience can create a spiral.
- Container: visualize a container and store your emotions inside of it. Feel the sense of control of being able to put them away and take them out when it’s best for you.
- Place one hand on your chest and another on your abdomen.
- Examine your emotions and fears with clear, skeptical thinking: are they exaggerating the real threat? what are some positives I can find in this situation?
- Body scans: find the parts of your body that feel safe or strong, and/or parts of your body that are firmly supported against your chair, bed, etc. Sometimes focusing on your feet on the ground is enough.
- Grounding: get out of your head by focusing on your environment: what do you see, what do you hear, how is your body connecting with the environment?
- Posture: stand up confidently, with head high, and chest out.
- Suck on a hard candy.
- Humming or singing or listening to music.
- Listen to a soothing voice talking.
- Pleasant scents, especially those associated to a safe memory.
- Spend time in nature.
- Imagine being in your safe place, or being looked at by the soothing face of a trusted loved one. You can even start by writing down a list of safe people, places, etc and start imagining them and describing the taste, smell, feel, sounds and sights.
- Physical exercise: go for a walk, lift some weights, or stretch.
- Submerge your face in a container of ice water, or take a cold shower or bath to help with anxiety or depression
- Take a warm bath to help with tension
- Focus on a productive, healthy hobby or project to help distract you, once you have taken some time to sit with your emotions, identify them and show yourself compassion.
- Wrap yourself in a blanket, or cuddle with a pet.
- While not strictly self-regulation, reaching out for help from a friend is at least taking control and responsibility for your self-regulation: talk to a friend (in-person if possible), and make sure to make eye contact and face them.
- If you feel anxious or angry, it may be best to find calming tools, whereas feelings of hopelessness, frozenness and depression may require physical activity and invigoration.
Check this out:
https://www.restoredhopecounselingservices.com/blog/2021/6/2/emdrs-resourcing-tool-a-support-in-challenging-situation