Causes
Emotional neglect and/or enmeshment (typically helicopter or narcissistic parenting)
Learned that establishing an emotional connection with the parent was not the best way to maintain their proximity and peace
Traits
- Rarely or never says, “I love you,” or “I miss you.”
- Often delays responses to texts or phone calls
- Suggests plans but then doesn’t follow up
- Easily offended
- Strong boundaries
- Spends a lot of time at work
- More likely to smoke, drink or overeat
- Exudes an image of strength and being well-put-together
- Dispassionate thinker; Intellectualizes emotion
- Suspicious of emotion & sentiment
- Used to helping others, but rarely accepts help
- Resents expectations, demands or dependence from others
- Autonomous, independent
- Believes ideal relationship should be merely two self-sufficient people who enjoy each other’s company, not two people who depend on each other
- Looks down at others for lacking self-sufficiency and discipline
- Goodbyes tend to be curt
- Prefers casual sex and easy-going, casual yet stable relationship with no drama
- Would rather cut off contact then complain or express resentment
- Tend to be performance or achievement-based
- Action-based
- Becomes more affectionate or sentimental when they know you’re going to leave soon
Deactivating Strategies
- Tamps down sentimentalism
- Responds matter-of-fact or negatively to bids for connection
- Underhanded remarks or “jokes”
- Judges or condescends; maintains high moral ground
- Avoids physical intimacy
- Phantom ex
- Criticism, contempt, irritability
How Experienced by Others
Good
Sharp, on-top of things, organized, resourceful, able to see things objectively without emotion, competent, works well under pressure
Bad
Cocksure, defensive, projecting, minimizing, controlling, disconnected from emotions, keeps you at arm’s length, devalues and disrespects you
You feel unfairly criticized, devalued, demoted, alone, disrespected, rejected, like an option instead of a special, significant jewel
Underlying Beliefs
High view of self; low view of others
Superficial Layer Worldview: Everyone must fend for themselves and find the inner strength to do what must be done alone. Self-dependence means I must be strong and competent. I can only depend on myself and must prioritize my own life goals over any relationship.
Deeper Layer Worldview: Fears engulfment from being trapped or depended on too much. Fears rejection for being defective – deep shame.
People are unreliable, which leaves me with a fear of ending up helpless, hopeless, trapped & rejected. As a result, I hate feeling criticized, thwarted or burdened.
To avoid feeling helpless & trapped, I become self-sufficient & resourceful. I want to maximize a sense of control, so I try to maintain a simple, stable kingdom of solitude, where I can do what I please, with as few expectations, obligations or responsibilities as possible.
The inclusion of other people in my kingdom is threatening & risky. Dealing with their expectations and needs increases my stress.
To avoid feeling hopeless, I invest in the future. I make plans for my financial, professional and domestic success. I make plans to survive if the world falls apart.
To avoid being rejected, I create an image of strength. I focus on achievements, and offer help to others. I rewrite my past, leaving only positive aspects.