When two anxious people date, the less anxious partner will often begin to act avoidant.
This is because the more anxious partner’s clinginess and desperation, when mirrored back to another anxious person, evokes judgment, suspicion and disgust. This is why anxious people are rarely attracted to each other.
In other words, if an anxiously-attached person’s subconscious self talk sounds like, “Why am I like this? I’m so pathetic. I hate being so needy and emotional,” this will invariably get turned around on a partner “even more pathetic” than them.
“She doesn’t even love me. She is in love with the idea of being in love and I could literally be anyone.”
“She’s letting her emotions hijack her again. I can’t trust her to make rational decisions.”
“Why does she need to talk to me every night? I am busy and she annoys me with pointless phone calls.”
“All she can think about are her own bottomless hole of emotional needs.”
Sometimes, the couple will experience a see-saw effect, with each partner taking turns playing the avoidant.
Advantages
The advantage of two anxious people dating is that they both tend to be somewhat in-touch with their emotions, value connection, and have a strong desire to accommodate. This makes this couple a great candidate for learning about attachment theory, becoming more self-aware, radically accepting themselves and each other, and working on a more secure relationship together.
Opportunities
This dynamic can offer a couple of opportunities for growth.
People with anxious attachment can challenge themselves to embrace their partner’s anxiety with compassion and acceptance, which in turn, can help teach self-acceptance and self-compassion. (The less anxious partner may be tempted to treat the more anxious partner in a belittling manner – like a child, a test subject, or “the problem.”)
Also, partners can challenge each other to develop skills in self-awareness and self-regulation, in order to help foster more independence and better control over their own behavior.