People with insecure attachment may find it challenging to show themselves compassion.
We may feel shame over what is “wrong with us” and feel frustrated by how difficult it is to change our feelings & behaviors.
We may also have a hard time reconciling the ideas that we can both be both compassionate AND discourage bad behaviors. Putting these two seemingly opposite ideas together can seem paradoxical. It is one example of a healing concept called INTEGRATION. We can integrate (or merge) these ideas into one, cohesive concept – resulting in a more complex & nuanced understanding, and one that will hopefully lead to more compassionate self-talk.
Exercise: The Double Standard Technique
Given that most of us operate on a double standard (we beat ourselves up, yet treat friends with compassion & support), let’s try this experiment.
First, write down some basic facts about your situation (who you are, what happened & how you feel), as well as the kinds of things you are telling yourself about your situation (judgments, advice, conclusions).
Second, face a friend (or a photo of a friend) and pretend they are exactly like you in every way, in the same situation. Talk to them in the same way you have been talking to yourself. Feel what it’s like for you to say those things to them.
If you suddenly realize that you’re being unfair & mean, great! (And if you realize you’re being compassionate, also great!)
If you’re attitude didn’t seem right, how would you correct it? Now speak to yourself the same way.
(Adopted from “Feeling Great” by David Burns, 2020)
Further Reading
“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff explores the concept of self-compassion as a healthier alternative to self-criticism. Neff, a researcher and psychologist, breaks down self-compassion into three key components:
- Self-Kindness – Treating yourself with the same warmth and care that you would offer a friend, rather than being harshly self-critical.
- Common Humanity – Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience, rather than feeling isolated in one’s struggles.
- Mindfulness – Being aware of painful thoughts and emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them, allowing for a balanced perspective.
The book argues that self-compassion leads to greater resilience, motivation, and well-being, challenging the cultural belief that self-criticism is necessary for success. Neff provides scientific research, personal anecdotes, and practical exercises to help readers cultivate self-compassion in their daily lives.