Metacognition is “thinking about thinking” and includes the ability to be self-aware, to consider the differences between perception & reality, and to see the big picture. It is highly correlated with secure attachment.
Becoming More Self-Aware
Two tools that can be helpful in becoming self-aware are mindfulness and journaling.
Mindfulness is defined as awareness without judgment. It’s about noticing things and simply accepting them, instead of being threatened by them.
You can spend a few minutes every day engaging in mindfulness meditation. It’s easy. Simply focus on your breathing or a visual point in front of you. The goal is not to maintain focus at any cost, but to use your focus as a baseline, so you can more easily notice the spontaneous thoughts that interrupt your focus. Notice them, accept them, and be curious about them.
Journaling can also be a great tool for self-awareness. Write thoughtfully and carefully about your current or past experiences, considering the following:
- What are you feeling? If you have difficulty connecting with emotions, you can use a feeling wheel chart to help consider how much you resonate with various emotions.
- What kind of bodily sensations are associated with this experience? Muscle tension? Stomach in knots? Tingling?
- What are the underlying beliefs? What do you believe about yourself, or the world, in relation to the experience? Often, this is a negative belief that has to do with your fear of the worst possible outcome.
- What did you hope to accomplish? What did you most want? What did you assume? What did you expect?
Emotional Regulation
A major part of metacognition is developing the skills to regulate our emotions and our minds. How can we develop and call upon internal resources to help us become calm, or transition between states of mind?
- Are you focused on the present or the past? Are you focused on yourself, or another person?
- How organized is your state of mind?
- How well are you concentrating right now?
Developing a Third-Party, Objective Perspective
Many of us struggle to get out of our tunnel vision when we are in an emotional state. We BECOME the emotion, instead of seeing ourselves as being in an emotional state. This can cause us to mistake our emotion for reality (also known as psychic equivalence).
While it’s important to compassionately accept our emotional experience, we should understand that they are just temporary, and that they should be distinguished from reality. We can put our feelings, thoughts and underlying beliefs on trial to see if the evidence supports them, or not.
This is why it’s important to develop an objective, scientific and critical attitude. Self-regulation can help with this, as our ability to think logically & clearly declines as our emotional arousal increases.
When considering arguments and evidence, do you know the difference?
- Anecdotal evidence vs empirical evidence
- A sound argument vs a logical fallacy (aka cognitive distortion)
How is your state of mind affecting your interpretation?
Based on your belief of the world, can you make a prediction? Did your prediction come true? Will you change your belief if did not?
Are you only looking for supporting evidence for your belief? Or are you also looking for counter evidence?
Do you consider yourself a free thinker? Do you speak in slogans & pre-selected talking points, or in your own words? Do you have your own personal take on issues?
Just as science evolves over time, we should understand that our understanding of reality is merely a mental construct, will change over time, and is inherently uncertain. Uncertainty (about our mental states, or reality) is healthy and natural.
Action Plans
Practice thinking things through (as opposed to acting impulsively). Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are the steps to achieve your goals? What should you avoid in order to reach your goals?
What will do the next time you and your partner get in an argument? How will you feel? How will your behaviors affect the situation?
Mentalization
Mentalization is the act of developing a theory of mind, which aims to understand and make sense of the thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations of yourself and others.
Note: We want to avoid the extremes of understanding ourselves & others: we don’t want to be completely clueless, nor absolutely certain about motivations, causes or mental states.
Empathizing with Other Perspectives
- What was motivating her behavior?
- What might have been on her mind?
- What can you guess she was feeling?
- What does she believe about herself, or the world?
- Can I explain her argument in a way she would approve?
How We Affect Ourselves & Others
- How have I influenced other people’s behaviors or feelings?
- How do my thoughts or behaviors affect my own state of mind?
- Were these predictable and repeatable?
Circumstances
- What led to your behavior or feeling?
- What were the circumstances?
- What expectations did other have on you?
- What feeling did you have just before the experience?
Big Picture
Enactments
- Are we reacting to each other in predictable ways?
- Could our dynamic be a repetition or reenactment of our own individual trauma histories?
- Am I treating this other person the same way my parents or partner treated me? Or the same way his parents treated him?
- Is the emotion he is evoking in me a representation of how he feels, or has felt many times before?
- How can I flip the script and stop the enactment?
Parental Influence
- How have my parents shaped me, for better or worse?
- In what ways am I like my parents?
Wider Perspective
- How has my understanding changed over the course of my life?
- How might different family members see the same events differently?
- How has my grandparent or great-grandparent influenced my life?
Common Humanity
- What are the struggles and basic psychological needs all humans share?
- How am I like all other humans in these ways?
- What were all the steps & people required to put food in my refrigerator?
- How does the war in Ukraine affect me?
Ultimate Concern
- What is the most important thing to me in life?
- What is my guiding principle?
- Keep a numbered list of what you most value, and keep adjusting it as you realize what you’re willing to sacrifice for another item of value