Put simply, self-regulation is anything we do to reduce the intensity of negative emotions, and to increase positive emotions, in order to achieve a calm state of mind, from which we can attain a sense of safety, clarity, and even vitality and curiosity. Being able to feel our emotions, and yet not be overcome by them, is crucial to healing.
There is no one-size-fits-all regimen for self-regulation. This is a deeply personal, lifelong practice that will be unique to you. Keep trying various techniques, and combinations of techniques, until you find something that works best for you.
Note: “Internal” techniques are those that don’t require anything but yourself; “external” refers to techniques that require physical tools, facilities or other people.
Lower Negativity (Internal)
Adopt the Right Attitude
- Start with self-compassion. An attitude of non-judgmental acceptance and compassion will be more effective than approaching your experience with frustration and shame. We often treat our friends with more compassion than ourselves. Tell me more.
- Stay present & mindful. Pause. Breathe. What are you feeling or thinking right now? What are the body sensations? What do you see, hear and feel around you? Tell me more.
- Remind yourself this is temporary. Strong emotions can alter our sense of time, and anxiety can make us worry this will get worse or will last forever, but it won’t. Feelings come and go like the weather. This, too, shall pass. Tell me more.
Engage with Your Body
- Breathe. There are a number of common breathing exercises, but just taking slow, deep breaths and focusing on your breath is the important thing. Tell me more.
- Self hug. Put your right hand over your heart, and your left hand over your abdomen. Experiment with other similar placements. Tell me more.
- Bodily Sensations. Identify any bodily sensations, even subtle ones. Focus on the worst one with courage, and wait a couple minutes for it to change. Tell me more.
- Hum or sing. There is reason to believe that sound frequencies traveling through our torso can be soothing. Tell me more.
- Yoga or stretching. Release the tension in your muscles to help them relax. Slow, careful movements can give us a sense of self-control, calm, balance and competence. Tell me more.
- Burn the energy. If your fight or flight response has engaged, go on a brisk walk or jog. Do some jumping jacks or push-ups. Allow yourself to shake if you feel the impulse. Tell me more.
Visualize
- Visualize yourself. Take a third-person perspective from across the room. Look at yourself & your situation as if you were watching a film. This gives you a chance to get out of your head & consider the present moment from a distance.
- Go to your safe place. Think of a safe, pleasant place (it can be completely made-up), or a favorite memory, and visualize yourself there.
- Contain it. Visualize a container, and put your emotions inside. The purpose is not to suppress your emotions, but to apply manageable limits, or to put them away for later exploration.
- Turn down the dial. Imagine having control over the intensity of your emotions using a dial. Turn the emotional intensity down to a manageable level.
- Visualize an attachment figure. Imagine them lovingly gazing into your eyes with delight.
- Visualize protective, wise & nurturing figures. These can be real or fictional (or fantastical). Imagine them supporting you.
Clarify, Release & Explore
- Name your emotions. Studies have shown that simply putting names to emotions can reduce their intensity.
- Catharsis: Cry, scream into a pillow.
- Journal. Write about your feelings, what led up to them, and what they might mean.
- Express your feelings through art. Some feelings simply can’t be put into words. Drawing or painting may help express those emotions.
- Use cognitive distancing. Put your experience in an objective context. What will this experience mean to you tomorrow, next week, next year, or 5 years from now? Describe your experience as if it were someone else experiencing it.
- Explore the meaning. What hopes, fears or disappointments do your emotions reflect?
Neuropsychological Hacks
- EMDR. Move your eyes from side to side.
- Tapping.
- Polyvagal stimulation.
Increase Positivity (Internal)
- Stand up straight. Head high. Chest out.
- Smile or laugh. Fake it ’til you make it. Your facial expressions will send signals to your brain, which will in turn affect your mood.
- Focus on the strongest parts of your body. Feel the weight of your back securely pressing against your seat, your feet firmly planted on the ground, or focus on your strong, tree trunk legs.
- Kick or punch the air. Especially if you feel a need to protect yourself from negative thoughts or beliefs.
- Consider the positive. Look at the big picture to find the advantages or benefits of the situation, or things you are grateful for in life.
- Lovingkindness meditation. This meditation helps you get in touch with the love in your heart; to wish yourself and the world happiness, safety and health.
Lower Negativity (External)
- Talk to a trusted friend. Show self-agency by reaching out to a friend & asking them if you can share your situation & emotional experience. Be seen, heard & felt. Acquire hugs.
- Get under a blanket.
- Cuddle a pet.
- Take a warm bath or shower.
- Get a massage.
- Listen to relaxing music or a soothing voice.
- Distract yourself with a movie, book, or activity. You don’t need to address & process your distress 24/7. Take a break once in a while.
- Suck on a hard candy.
- Put your face in ice water.
- Get more sleep, avoid sugar & caffeine, and unhealthy foods.
- Avoid stressful situations (in your personal life, or at work).
Increase Positivity (External)
- Aromatherapy. Take pleasure in smelling comforting or favorite scents. Our sense of smell has the most direct access to our brains.
- Music. Dance.
- Take a hike in nature.
- Go to a social gathering.
- Exercise.
- Eat a satisfying meal.
- Eat a spicy pepper.
- Go shopping.
- Self-care.
Why Emotional Regulation is So Important
Emotional regulation is a fundamental building block of our social, emotional and intellectual development.
Instead of being controlled by emotions (blindly reacting to whatever life throws at you), a person with emotional mastery can choose how they will respond and act. They have the self-control to behave in ways that conform to their values, instead of their impulses or past, negative experiences.
They have the self-control to act, to advocate for themselves & to assert boundaries. They have the self-control to strictly manage their diets & exercise regimen, and the resources to tolerate hunger, anxiety, uncertainty or ambiguity.
They have the emotional resources to communicate effectively – to walk the tightrope between being upset & being respectful.
Perhaps most importantly, they have access to self-reflection & abstract thinking, which opens the door to objectivity, perspective-taking, planning, and ultimately, healing.
Your ability to heal has a lot to do with your ability to stay within the “window of tolerance,” where you can both feel your emotions, but not be overwhelmed by them.
Daily Regulation Practices
- Journaling
- Mindfulness meditation
- Awe
- Diet, sleep & exercise
Self-Regulation is A Natural Drive
People instinctively avoid negative emotions & pursue positive emotions. No one wants to feel pain or discomfort, when they can feel safe & comforted.
We often unconsciously engage in self-soothing when we put our hands into our pockets, hold a pillow, bite our fingernails, or when we rub our hands, thighs or neck.
There are many unhealthy ways to regulate our emotions. These can include:
- Defense mechanisms that keep us detached from our emotions, help deny or suppress them, or redirect negative emotions at others.
- Addictions like smoking, drinking, drugs, over-eating, shopping & workaholism help us avoid or cope with the emotions without actually dealing with them, and often lead to adverse outcomes in the long term.
- In relationships, we may avoid emotion, or manipulate to feel more control (safety). Blaming & judging others can be a strategy to avoid feeling the shame of taking responsibility for our actions, while helping us feel energized and strong.
It is said that much of our ability to self-regulate is developed mainly through the co-regulation we experienced with our caregivers. If our caregiver soothed and comforted us in our times of need, they remain within us as an “internalized object,” and continue to soothe and comfort us when they are no longer around. This is one reason why secure attachment is so important.
Self-Regulating for Depression
Upregulation is when we are upset, our hearts are racing & we feel our emotions strongly. Most of the tips on this page are for soothing upregulation.
Downregulation is also common, and looks like a lack of energy, numbness and isolation.
Feelings of hopelessness, frozenness and depression may require physical activity and invigoration.
Check back later for more.