Before you start your journey to healing, it may be helpful to address some things that could impede or slow down your healing.

You wouldn’t want to start a long road trip with underinflated tires, no money, or with an unrealistic destination in mind.

Process and Outcome Resistance

What many people face in therapy is subconscious resistance.

Some people experience process resistance (reluctance to do regular healing work, like journaling, homework or meditation). This is completely understandable, as regular work, much like sticking to a diet or going to the gym regularly, can be somewhat unpleasant and require self-discipline. Reaching goals requires consistency and long-term outlook.

Being aware of what this journey entails, and managing your expectations, can be helpful. And offering yourself self-compassion (acknowledging your reluctance is understandable, yet lovingly challenging yourself to continue) can also be a huge advantage.

Outcome resistance may be experienced by those who, on some level, aren’t so sure they agree with the goal of therapy. This often comes from a subconscious fear or belief that there is something wrong with them – they are inadequate, broken or defective. This can manifest in two ways:

• the person who is defensive about change because change implies that there is “something wrong with them,” or
• the person who is so frustrated with their overthinking,  overwhelming emotions & impulsive habits that they will accept nothing other than to become 100% emotionless & careless

Understanding that both of those extremes are based in shame (a fear of being inadequate, broken or defective) can help us overcome our reluctance to heal and develop new skills.

The Magic Button

In his book “Feeling Great,” Dr. David Burns asks his clients – if presented with a “magic button” that will take away all of their anxiety, depression, etc  – would they push it?

Obviously, most clients excitedly say, “Yes!”

Burns, however, responds that he’s not so sure that’s such a good idea.

Why? Because people’s current emotions, thoughts and behavior always serve a purpose. (As a matter of fact, they have probably served useful purposes most of their lives, and are simply adaptations that were evolved over millions of years!) They kept us alive and feeling safe during our childhoods.

And not only that – they reveal our virtues and what really matters to us.

Have anxiety? Good! It means you care. And it serves the purpose of reminding you to maintain your relationship.

So the goal of therapy doesn’t become removing your anxiety, but rather turning it down to a reasonable and manageable level, while also appreciating all of the wonderful things it has to say.

Insecure Attachment Patterns

While it’s true that insecure thoughts, emotions & behavior may cause us hardship in our relationships, exhaust us, and can lead to long-term health issues, these natural, clever and self-protective adaptations offer us skills and experiences that may come in handy. Attachment styles are not disorders, they are our ways of maintaining as much relational safety as we could, despite the adverse environments of our early lives.

These advantages have taken years to develop – and some might see them as superpowers!

Reflect on the following:

• You experiences with an insecure attachment may help you relate and connect with others with similar styles and situations. You may be especially useful in offering empathy and emotional support to these people.
• Your history of hypervigilance may help you to develop a remarkable sensitivity to notice shifts in other people’s states of mind, as well as subtle emotional displays. Through curiosity and empathy, this can help you be a supportive friend or family member.
• Your history of self-reliance may have made you quite resourceful, competent and given you the skills to self-sooth in some useful ways. You may also develop an ability to assert boundaries.